Parenting Tips: Fostering trust early

By fostering trust early, children learn to love and respect the world around them.

Your child’s view of trust begins as soon as they are born. They are taken out of the only world they know, which is warm, comfy and quiet to a world that is foreign and frightening. The examination table is hard; there are all kinds of strange noises. People are poking and grabbing them. It’s up to the parent to instill a sense of calm and trust, and let their child know that they are safe.

As you strive to care and nurture your tiny, wiggly newborn they learn to trust that when they have a need it will be met. When they are cold they are wrapped snuggly in a blanket. When they are hungry they are fed. When they are lonely they are picked up and held close.

These important lessons do not end as your child grows, but instead becomes more imperative and complicated as time goes on. In learning how and why trust is established, parents can help their children grow into self-assured, independent adults.

There are several important steps to fostering trust in your child.

Physical contact:
It is widely known that skin-to-skin contact is fantastic for your newborn. The warmth of a mother’s body comforts and relaxes your infant. As your child grows older, hugs, kisses and holding hands are extremely important in developing trust. Many children from Russian orphanages have been documented by experts to have attachment disorders due to the lack of physical contact. Some babies in these horrific situations simply turn their backs on the world outside of their cribs and face the wall. They have no ability to connect to, or to trust their caregivers.

Words of endearment:
Simply telling a child that you love them unconditionally lets them know that they are safe, secure, loved and cherished. Even before a child learns what the words mean, the inflection of your tone reassures and calms your baby. The silly names that we give our children, the amusing songs that we sing them, all let our children know “you are my child, and you are dear and important to me”.

When your child knows that they will be loved, even if they do something wrong, it gives them the ability to make mistakes and wrong decisions. The child can still come to the parent for guidance, without feeling the need to deny or hide the transgression.

Routines:
It is very important to establish routines as early as possible. Do you need to be militant with your newborn? No, of course not. When you bring your baby home from the hospital, you have to get to know each other. Even if this is not your first child, children are remarkably different and respond in different ways. What worked for your first child, may not work for your second. Part of learning about one another is finding out what works and what doesn’t, usually through trial and error.

Routines are ways of doing things that are done everyday in the same manner each time. Routines are made to have a specific response each time they are done. At the end of the evening if a child is given a bath, read a book, given a bottle and put to bed, they will start to associate this as their bedtime routine. Now, when they are put into the bath, they will start to anticipate what will come next. Trust is established when the things that the child anticipates happening, actually do.

Repetition:
The reason that routines work is repetition. It has been said that it takes up to a month for a routine to actually take hold.

The important thing to remember is that if the routine is not working, no amount of repetition is going to help. If the method that your friend swears makes her baby fall to sleep each night irritates and upsets your child, you need to find another routine that relaxes and works for your baby. Your child relies on you to make good choices that are in his or her best interest.

Consistency:
Since very young children can not make their own decisions it’s important that they feel a sense of control over their world. There is no better way to do this, than to be consistent. Consistency is essential for not only routines but in also knowing what is allowable and not allowable for your child to do. This goes for your co-parent as well.

If you have a bedtime routine established, but you let your child stay up late whenever he whines, it will not be effective. If you tell your toddler to not climb on the sofa, but your husband lets him scale up it like a mountain goat, guess what? Your child is not going to know who the boss is, and that will erode trust. Children like consistency; believe it or not, it lets them know what is expected out of them and the world around them.

Limits:
A child with no limits is equal to a car without a steering wheel and no brakes. It doesn’t know where to go or when to stop. By teaching your child limits, it helps them make good choices. Knowing that your parents expect you to act in a certain manner gives your child guidelines for current situations and for future ones as well.

Every young child has had times when they have not been the best behaved, much to the dismay of many parents, but good behavior should be expected most of the time and your child should begin to understand this. Even very young children should start to learn the difference between right and wrong, that way it will be easier for your child to understand the distinction as they grow older.

Consequences:
Firm, fair and consistent consequences are vital as well. If your child knows that you disapprove of a certain action, and does it anyway, there must be certain consequences that are established and known to your child. Punishment is not meant to hurt or upset your child; it is to help them by letting them know that they are important enough to discipline.

Communication:
Talk to your children. Even babies and toddlers benefit from frequent verbal communication. Young children’s capacity for understanding language far exceeds their ability to speak.

Let your children talk to you. Encourage conversations. Be patient and respectful of your children’s feelings. You don’t have to agree or even debate with them, but be considerate when explaining your rules.

Keep your promises:
It goes without saying, but merits restating - keep your promises! When you tell your child that you will be at their soccer game, you need to show up, and be attentive. Don’t talk on the cell-phone constantly or work on your laptop when you are there. Enjoy this time in your child’s life; don’t let them think that they are an inconvenience.

Parents are constantly striving to find ways to instill their children with self-confidence and respect for the world around them. When a child gowns up to trust this will be second nature, and the likelihood that they will be productive members of society increases greatly.

Conclusion
By establishing these steps at the earliest stages in a child’s life, mutual trust, respect and love is established in your household. When home is a safe haven for a child, the world in general seems more loving and accepting.

Shy children: How to ease shyness in your children

Shyness can be painful for both parents and children. Parents however need to realize some kids are just born to be quiet and less outgoing than other children are. The key is to realize when a child’s shyness is becoming a problem that it results in problems with school and social interactions.

How to Help?

Tell them to talk about their feeling

For starters, do not tell a child he or she is shy, don’t call them shy. Most people who are shy, or mistaken as shy because they are quiet, do not like to be told they are. Those who are shy usually know they are and don’t need it pointed out to them, and can resent when it is pointed out to them. Instead compliment them when they aren’t acting typically shy. Let them know you like the way they are when they are being more social and involved. Try to get them to talk about their feelings. Instead of saying, “You are acting shy,” ask how they feel about the situation they are in.

Encourage your children to mix with other children

Give your child opportunities to experience social situations. Encourage your child to invite a friend or friends over or to go over to a friend’s house. Let them spend time with people they are comfortable with to build up their self-esteem and social interactions and slowly move them toward more frequent and more populated social experiences.

Children imitate their parents

Children often learn by watching and imitating their parents so be sociable and respectful yourself. Children who see their parents able to talk to others and not hide will be more apt to give it a try themselves. Don’t force a child into a situation however. Stand by them and let them adjust to their surroundings, when attending large functions and social gatherings. Give them a chance to feel comfortable while knowing they have your support.

Let your child try new things

Encourage your child to try new activities and to communicate how they feel about what they are doing. Encouraging a child to talk in situations he or she perceives as safe will help them open up in other situations by realizing there is nothing to be scared of. By letting your child try different activities and hobbies, you are giving your child subjects they can talk about with other people, and introducing them to people who have common interests.

Children can pick silent signal

Remember children can pick up silent signals easily. If you are nervous yourself, your child will be able to notice, and will also become nervous – more so because if a parent is worried it must be something really “bad”.

Share your experience with your child

Share your experiences with your child. Let your child know you do understand how they feel. Everyone has had some moment in their life when they have been shy, nervous, or anxious, share with your child the situation you were in and how you handled it.

Conclusion

Finally, let your child know that being shy is NOT a character flaw. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Most situations are not as scary as your child may think. It is your job to help them understand this. Situations that make a child anxious or nervous can usually be simplified by explaining the situation to them. Let them know everything is ok, and what exactly is going on and invite them to join in.

Shyness doesn’t have to be problem. Watch your child and encourage him or her to be more outgoing. If shyness becomes uncontrollable and nothing you do seem to help, contact a therapist or social worker for professional help.

Are you praising your children enough?

Are your giving your children enough praise when it is well deserved or are you still criticizing? Praise, when needed, makes all the difference.

Parent need to provide many things

When we raise children we are doing our very best to prepare them to cope with and have the best life possible and there are so many things we can do to ensure this happening. We need to provide love, concern, affection, build self-esteem, and have respect for our children. We also need to accept them for the person that they are and show our approval and beyond that need to have a good understanding of discipline techniques.

Know how to praise or criticize

We need to set strict and firm limits and be consistent in handling our children and let them know our reasonable expectations of them. By the way we praise or criticize them can mean a lot in the manner in which they grow up. There is a fine line between criticizing and being negative and in giving them a negative attitude which may follow them for life. Parenting is not easy, but we can excel if we really think about raising our children in the most positive way for the most quality and positive results.

Example of a situation

For an example, say Mary wants to go visit a friend next door and you think it is getting too late and also her homework has not been finished, then you tell her no and Marie than starts yelling that she hates you and you deny her all the things she wants to do. Now sure you are very bad at the words she has used towards you because you would not let her do as she pleased. Can a parent get a child to gain control after an outburst as this one, sure she can. She might have told her, well not tonight, but if you ask early enough tomorrow afternoon and can tell me your homework has been finished then I will say yes. Then let Mary know that when you give her a decision such as this one that you expect her to behave in a mature manner. Perhaps even after Mary has came out of her room and is acting with respect tell her, well you got your anger in control and I am really proud of you and discuss the matter further.

Praise and attention to get the behaviour

We can give our child praise and attention to get the behavior that we require of them instead of always giving them negative criticism, it can be done. It can accomplish so very much more and actually cause the parent much less stress and the child will have more self-esteem.

The thing you like most - is positive

Sit down and think about the things you like most about your child, we know you love her, but the things you like about her. Sure this is hard when you have a teenager out of control, but surely you can find some good qualities. Some qualities of good in your child might be organizational skills, neatness, dedication to projects, even honesty and humor or even that they are friendly, look for the good in your child and praise the good and don’t always look for the bad.

Look for good behaviour and reinforce it

Don’t forget when a behavior is bad and we pay attention to it then we are reinforcing that behavior, so look for good behavior when it appears and give that behavior praise and admiration, you may have some positive results.

Positive Parenting

Perhaps your child is really a caring person for others such as elderly neighbour, a grand parent, etc. reinforce that quality by telling them you really admire that quality. Also your child may have a sensitivity for others, praise that quality, reinforce that quality. Try some positive parenting, IT WORKS!

How To Say No To Your Child

How to say no to your child and being a consistent disciplinary figure is crucial for your child’s sense of security.

Make a child know the meaning of the word “No”.

When our children are babies they can be so darn adorable that we hate to do anything that displeases them. Most of our time is spent trying to make our children laugh or smile and when it comes time for discipline, many of us take the soft road to spare our own hearts as well as our children’s. It can be soul-wrenching to see a baby’s lower lip turn down and see his entire body shake with sobs from the insult of being reprimanded by those whom he loves so very much. However, if we want to raise children who understand the meaning of the word ‘no’ and want to keep the number of screaming, kicking tantrums to a minimum, we must start from the very beginning with a firm stance that shows we mean business and won’t back down, no matter how adorably sad our little one’s face may be.

You need to enforce the rule

If we tell a baby or child no and then eventually end up letting the child do what he wanted in the first place, we are setting ourselves up for disaster. Even if you have changed your mind and decided that what the child was doing wasn’t so bad after all, you need to stick to your guns and let the child know that what you say, you mean. If he gets his way after a minute or after an hour, he will know he’s got you pegged. Children won’t give up if they see that any sort of behavior gets them what they want, whether it be to just quiet him up until you can get out of a store or doctor’s appointment, or if you’re just too busy to stay on top of him. If you put your child in a time-out for something, you need to enforce it. If you want to do the dishes or laundry and have to leave him, of course he will get out, especially if occasionally, when he does get out, you just let him go on his way because you’re not interested in dealing with the situation at the time.


Be consistent with your meaning

Of course, we all have times when we just want to throw our hands up in the air and let the child have his way because we are tired or busy or just fed up. These are the dangerous times that give children their glimpse into what might be if the tantrum is long enough, if mom is tired enough, or if there are enough other people watching on. If he sees you give up once, it is possible you will again, and he will never give up. Consistency is the key and when you are consistent with your words and actions, your child will know you mean business.



Child must have effective discipline

When a child is disciplined effectively, it gives him a real sense of security in the world that you might not realize as you deal with the guilt of having to put a sad face on your dear little cherub. Children who are not let to run the show own a sense of knowing they are cared for and that nothing bad will be allowed to happen to them, even though they may still do bad things from time to time. Children with ineffective disciplining are often frightened by the sense of control they have over the world. Though it may seem hard to believe, children do not want to be the ones in charge, the world is a scary place to them and they need their parents to guide them and be their inner strengths.



Conclusion

A child with strong sense of “security” can adapt well with others and thrive under changing environment. They can “fit in” easily and be a good team player.

How To Get Your Child To Listen

Getting your children to listen is no easy task, but it is one that can be mastered with time and patience. The miracle of a listening child who does exactly what you want won’t happen overnight, but by using the following tips, it may happen sooner than later.

Preventing problems

Try and see the problem from your children’s point of view. For example, you keep telling your children to clean their rooms, but they won’t do it. Is it because it’s not “cool” to have clean rooms? Will having clean rooms make it harder to find things? How did you feel about cleaning your room when you were a child? By understanding their perspective, you may be that much closer to a solution. 

Ask your children why they’re not doing what you want them to do. Sometimes they may just answer “because we don’t want to,” but they also may have a good reason for not doing the task, such as “We need to finish our homework first,” or “Steve is coming over, and we want to make snacks for us.”

Phrase requests politely. Instead of saying, “Clean your room now!,” say, “Please have your room cleaned by 6 p.m. tonight,” or “When you finish with what you’re doing now, please clean your room,” or “You can clean your room now, or in 20 minutes. It’s up to you.”

Work with your children for solutions to problems. For example, if your child always leaves his dirty clothes on the floor, perhaps you could put the clothes hamper in a more accessible place. 

Rehearse situations. For example, if your children have trouble getting up on time for school, tell them what they need to do each morning when they wake up, and then rehearse the day before. If your children don’t wake up on time, enter their room, and say, “It’s 7:30 a.m. What do you need to be doing now?”

Don’t take responsibility for your children’s actions. If they have trouble waking up, but you continue to coax them to get out of bed, you both have lost, because the children know you won’t let them be late for school. Tell them you will call them twice, and then do it. Refuse to write them an excuse note if they are late for school.

Avoid ultimatums. They perpetuate power struggles, and make both parties feel resentful. Instead, emphasize the positive aspects of a situation, such as telling your children how great they are going to feel when they finish a major project for school.

Discipline

Speak calmly and reasonably when asking your children to do things. If you yell, they will yell right back.

Discipline your children in private, not in front of their friends, because that will embarrass everyone, and build resentment from your children to you.

Follow through with discipline. For example, if you tell your children not to leave their dirty clothes on the floor, and they do anyway, don’t wash any clothes that are not in the clothes hamper. Don’t back down, even if your children have to wear dirty clothes a few times.

Positive reinforcement 

Have faith in your children. For example, if they want help with their homework, offer suggestions as to where they can find the information themselves. Tell them you have confidence in their ability to do the work.

Recognize excellence. When your children listen to you and do what you ask promptly, praise them and tell them how much you appreciate their actions. Also make sure your children hear you say good things about them to your spouse, friends and other adults.

Conclusion

Getting children to listen can be a long, tough process. Children can also be expected to test you once in a while, even if you have the best discipline. Be brief and calm when this happens, and remember that the situation will probably improve eventually. Remember that the final reward will be worth it; you’ll have well-behaved, responsible children who listen to adults.

Don’t Change The Rule

Most difficult children are those that will change the rule to suit them. In that way, the child will be controlling the situation and for the parent this is stressful. The child will strategize their approach to change the rule and actually will insist on changing the parent rules in order to have thing their way. If you can manage this “Don’t Change the Rule” you life will be less stressful and a more positive relationship may be created.

Be consistence with your rule

When it comes to parenting, consistency is the name of the game. You have got to lay down the rules and teach your kids about the facts of life. But once you do that, do not waver. Kids notice, and they get confused and what you say is diminished in value.

Set good rules and follow them yourself

Set good rules and follow them yourself. Show your child that you mean business with the rules. So much so that you’ll abide by them, too. If your child sees you acting how you expect your child to act, they will be more likely to behave properly.

Kids will try to get you to bend on the rules

Kids will try to get you to bend on the rules. So be prepared. They will try everything in the book to get you to let them do something they know they are normally not allowed to do. But remember, if you fold, there will be plenty of other times when your child will want you to bend the rules again. And how will you handle THAT situation?

Do not bend your rule

Your child will look for your moments of weakness. They will wait until you are particularly tired or worn out. Or they will wait for a time right after they have done something really nice or really good. Then they will ask for you to bend the rules on them.

Improve your child ability to follow rules

The best thing for you to do is to stick to your guns. Make a pact with yourself that no matter how you are feeling or what the situation is, that you will stick with the rules that you have laid out. Tell yourself that you would not bend, and that will diminish the number of times that your child will ask for the rules to be bent and will improve your child’s behavior and ability to follow rules.

What happen if your child keeps changing rules?

The child that keeps changing rules will grow up trying to change the environment to fit them all the time. They will find it difficult to stay in studies or keep a job. Because studies and job has its rules, but the child can no longer change the rules to fit them.

When rules do not stay because it can be changed at all times, the child learns to ignore rules. And they won’t even know that they are ignoring the rules. For example, giving way to drivers on the right is a good road rules. Ever wonder why this is practiced by most developed nations? In Malaysia this does not happen? Simple, Malaysian drivers has learned to ignore traffic rules so much that they do not know traffic rules anymore.

Conclusion

The other thing to keep in mind is that you can change the rules. Just be consistent. If you think a particular rule needs to be changed, think it over and make an educated decision. Rules can be changes. But if you change them, go ahead and keep the new rules intact.